| this is not an exit |
[15 Apr 2009|05:52pm] |
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It is with a vanquished and weary sigh that we recollect the memories of old hours that have long folded their wings. The irrevocable past and the uncertain future is a breathless chase in persuit of adventure wrought out of intense desire and tragic experience. In all times and places the years stretch before us like some vast page out to recieve the record of our toils. Thus it comes to pass after an eternity of resolutions, doubts, and indecisions borne onward by slow-footed time when the profane voices of dim-remembered and dream-like images are forever hushed, that we arrive by a curious perversity of fate at a moment whereupon all that was once made from the magic of youth and joy, now becomes disfigured by passages of solemn and pompous monotony.
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| we are equally damaged. |
[06 Apr 2009|08:43pm] |
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I have inherited an unavoidable propensity toward the fluid essence and pure spirit obtained by distillation. This predilection of consumption has created some unforeseen vicissitudes in my behavior which have consequently affected the lives of others, as well as my own. However, In spite of admirable efforts it seems hardly probable that my addictions can be made milder or less severe by want of self-imposed abstinence alone. There is a nameless sadness which is born of moonlight; a portent full of possible danger which leaves an agitated impression of violent and contending emotions seething in the mind calling out for my hand to reach for the next highball. It is this which lies at the foundation of my temptations. However, it must be understood I do not mean to claim I am entirely powerless in order to cast aside the coarse entrapment in which I find myself so often ensnared. There is some force at work within my own being that finds redemption through the excesses afforded by drink, and in this way, the problems and monotony of each day feel less burdensome; I find the strength to forgive yesterday and tolerate the present, or at least until the ephemeral joys depart unveiling the true nature of what lies in the center of everything. I understand that there must be something indescribably reckless and desperate in such a picture to all those who do not find themselves in similarly constructed plot-lines which attempt to make excuses for the unraveling of life's affairs. I convey onto the pages of this journal my present thoughts, for, even now, while I have been thus engaged laboriously in my present endeavor; I can feel the chill of night creep in from the street filling this desolate apartment whilst igniting certain clamorous agitations of rebellious passions in my breast. I have imbibed several drinks and I feel myself becoming more drunk and hoping that the clouded, restless, jaded mood of being subsides, and the tumultuous roaring of each day fades into a dull whisper not heard again until the break of morning.
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[18 Mar 2009|06:11pm] |
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There has been a few notable changes which have occurred since I last updated that I would like to share. I am still currently living in Portland, Maine, however, there has been a transition of co-inhabiters within the space of which I have carved-out a comfortable domicile suitable for myself. Of course, Richard, Grace, and Christopher, moved into their separate residences. I was forced with the task to find replacements in order to balance the financial responsibilities of the apartment. In other news pertaining more closely to my personal wellfare, everything seems well enough, although nothing is wholly satisfying. It seems that everything has become stuck in a restless indolence which is neither detestable nor appealing. It really has become like that book, 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being".
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| writing |
[12 Jan 2009|08:02pm] |
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I am growing annoyed with people assuming that I am an idiot. Lately, I have been accused by others that I do not understand the meanings of the words that I use, or that I must be assisted in some way by an outside source in order to construct sentences in ways that give the English language a unique tone. I think it is they who cast these stones whom are the idiots, and not I. I apologize if I had not the proper college education to justify my being above your average intelligence, however rest assured, I have read more books and understand concepts larger than your life itself will ever encompass. Thank you all for your concern in my matters.
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| hark! |
[02 Jan 2009|05:23pm] |
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It is not every wind that can blow you from your anchorage, however, I must be made of some vagabondish spirit that beckons me to push forward against the unknown and surrender the familiar surroundings of complacency whenever my condition becomes a restless indolence. It would seem as if the exacerbated circumstances of fate had some wolfish tendency to be forever at my heels, like a great express train, roaring, flashing, dashing head-long, until at last I am overtaken and defeated. I must confess that the forthcoming endeavors are ambitious and marked with the possibility of failure; I feel a sense of uneasiness.
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| you have been untrue to me. |
[29 Dec 2008|05:21pm] |
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I know what I must become to appease my detractors. They desire that I succumb to an utter agreement with they whom consider my own life to be nothing more than a category of base conduct and selfish endeavor. They would be pacified if I were to give certain credence to their opinions by a proclamation that wholly repents and vilifies my existence. I shall not, nay, more so I cannot afford others the satisfaction they seek by way of my own destruction when the very thing they lust after is destruction itself. I am not a perfect being nor have I made past claims that would suggest the contrary, however, it is that which I am not that makes me who I am, and although what I am continues to be a vehicle of learning through life's experiences; it would be folly to apologize for the essence of my progression simply because a few of my contemporaries disavow my philosophy. I would like to hereby state that I am not adverse to the act of apology and often have done so when a valid reason exists. The sincerity of the apology itself relies on the degree of validity, and it is this reason alone that those whom expect that I renounce myself in order to maintain the status-quo will be sorely disappointed. I hope that within the meanings of these texts above that my resolve and character is evident, and that my pride is not misplaced but well deserved despite the entrapments of a city filled to the brim with people who plague my every turn with hateful resentment. I have always understood that the road ahead is long and fraught with imminent peril. I have witnessed countless numbers of abandonment by friends and family alike when their association with my person became too burdensome; for ultimately, while my moments of cordiality and goodwill are shared and enjoyed throughout, my stigma is a cross that I alone shall bear. I cannot say with any unerring accuracy wherefore my path itself is destined, but it is clearly an introverted struggle that through sufferings by want or by wrongs will deliver me to an appropriate ends; whatever that may be, for the human condition is selective in it's attitude towards the transient nature of its very own existence, unfortunately, this transient nature is unselective. We can try to fight it, just as many have tried since beginning less time, only to have our efforts washed away through the passages of time.
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| whiskey and pills found myself in a chicago hospital |
[09 Jun 2007|12:05pm] |
I believe Wordsworth was notably veneered for coining the phrase, " Heaven lies about us in our infancy." I suppose that somewhere between here and there the illusion of such comforts dissappear and we are left confronting the cold hard facts of life. In a month time I have watched my life fall apart piece by piece as if God himself were watching from above, and so seeing my life play out with contentment and happiness, took it upon himself to strike down with malice reserved for none but myself.
The gates of hell are open day and night; and smooth the descent, and easy is the way. My current situation is bound for hell and should it return to normalcy any time soon depends on factors that are seemingly out of my control.
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[08 Apr 2007|05:35pm] |
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" The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender."
- Emil Ludwig
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| and its breaking my heart that you're leaving... |
[01 Apr 2007|11:21am] |
... but if you want to leave take good care.
" If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise. "
- Robert Fritz
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| passion is like the sea, it will have its ebb and flow. |
[26 Mar 2007|07:53pm] |
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Tonight, there is a softening balm in the air which makes all things made up of human-feeling seem suspended for a moment. The evening sky is abound with stars that hang as if by magic and shiver blue in the distance. How beautifully comes on this stilly hour when all storms have gone , when warrings winds have died away, and not a wrinkle ruffles the night. I sit beneath the entrance awning of my apartment building with a lit cigarette, and I begin to count those same stars, each one shining in order like a living hymn written in light, each one representing a day which has parted and passed forever, each star existing as if only to lament the sum of every mistake, regret, and hesitation that I've succumb to, each one a lover lost. Yet, still on it creeps, each little moment at another's heels till hours, days, years, and ages are made up. The sky becomes a canvas and the stars appear to multiply before my disbelieving eyes until at last, sitting worn and bewildered, wondering how it is that I have traveled like a ship in the wide ocean of life which has no bounding shore to mark its progress.
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[23 Feb 2007|08:00am] |
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leaving on a southern train...
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| dead at twenty three |
[16 Oct 2006|08:42pm] |
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I have a fondness toward too many of things. I become easily hung-up and confused while running from one falling star to another until I drop. My life is like the fire of the night. I have nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. I remember endless parties; the kind of which make your body feeble and your mind incomprehensible. People would overflow onto the porch or outside the building. Something was going on in every corner, on every bed and couch- not an orgy but just a party with frantic screaming and wild music. At dawn people would be drawing pictures and drinking stale beer. Everything in life, all the faces of life, are piling into the same dank room. I often think about those whom are lost. There are many friends and aquaintances that are no longer. I feel as if they have left me behind or that I am waiting for something. Perhaps maybe that moment in life which arrives and you suddenly know all and everything is henceforth decided forever. But this madness leads nowhere- I've traveled it's path before. I don't know whats happening to me. But then there are those days of peace when the sunlight seems to shine down upon your face. I turned twenty-three on thursday and I am still unsure as to whether or not things get clearer from here, or if unhappiness only manifests itself more deeply into the breast with each passing year.
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[01 Oct 2006|10:37pm] |
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Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without, and the same masks that we know we cannot live within.
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| i am the only safe cigarette |
[27 Sep 2006|05:24pm] |
After some thorough contemplation regarding my present situation I have come to the conclusion that I am justified in my descision to end certain relationships. We had reached the acme of our summer love and watched it fall in slow decline. There was no soul left in either of us to defend or to surrender. I admit that I will fondly look back on our time together and continue to wish you well in your future endeavors in both life and love. I regret that this affaire de couer could not have been longer lived. But much like one of my favorite poems by the late Edna StVincent Millay;
" Well I have lost you; and lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.
Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that's permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.
If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.
Should I outlive this anguish - and men do-
I shall have only good to say of you. "
I miss you and wish to hold you in my heart as a friend. If you choose to accept that than I will be here for you. However, I believe that this is the only suitable outcome for us at present time. I would also implore that you do not chide with snide remarks or invoke the wrath of your peers upon me for that will do nothing but drive a wedge further between us.
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[26 Sep 2006|07:21am] |
" It seems like yesterday
But it was long ago
Janey was lovely, she was the queen of my nights
There in the darkness with the radio playlng low
And the secrets that we shared
The mountains that we moved
Caught like a wildfire out of control
Till there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove
And i remember what she said to me
How she swore that it never would end
I remember how she held me oh so tight
Wish i didn't know now what i didn't know then.
"And the years rolled slowly past
And i found myself alone
Surrounded bv strangers i thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And i guess i lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worried about paying or even how much i owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searchin'
Searching for shelter again and again. "
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| my life with the ryan coffin cult part 1 |
[25 Sep 2006|06:03pm] |
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I sincerely wish to commit more time to this journal. I am aware that I mention that at least once every time I set aside time to write an entry. I do not expect to unearth much of the seething disappointment that I feel towards all things in relation to my life at present during this entry. I merely wish to account for that which has transpired during the last several weeks. I shall attempt to retell the events that occurred during my recent excursion to Montreal, QC in several parts. In early August, Alicia, Luca and Myself, agreed unanimously that we would set forth our steps in the direction of the great white north in search of carnal pleasantries known only to the few that have vacationed there. I felt a tremendous outpour of unbridled emotion engage me upon arriving in those french quarters of Montreal and feelings reminiscent to such memorable days of yore enveloped me as if it was again that I was of the tender age of nineteen and besides me was nothing save opportunity and wonder. However, our sojourn into the fray was almost abruptly brought to a hault while endeavoring to cross the border. Typically, a customs officer will approach the vehicle and request that all passengers carried within present a valid form of identification at which time the officer may choose to softly acquire reason for visit and a few other trivial questions pertaining to what we may or may not be escorting over the border in terms of alcohol, tobacco, or firearms. The officer took our identification papers and headed toward the office before advising that he would momentarily be with us again. This wasn't so unusual to warrant any cause for alarm, at the time, it appeared to be nothing more than a slight inconvenience that would inevitably delay our trip. It was after about twenty-five minutes had passed that I began becoming aware that something must be amiss. I started to become uncertain as to whether I would be permitted to enter the country. The moments passed dreadfully slow and agonizing. Eventually, a woman officer came forward to the passenger side window and addressed me to exist the vehicle and follow her into the office. I soon found myself inside the customs office surrounded by uniformed agents of the state. I must have been perspiring something awful for I felt the weight of all their eyes pressing down on me. I was brought into a small room with no windows and sat at a table near the door. They said I had a phone call. I did not understand how I would be getting a phone call from someone as my whereabouts were little publicized and anyone that needed to contact me would simply do so by calling my mobile device. I picked up the phone and pressed my ear to the receiver. It was a lady caller. But not the good kind. She asked me a series of questions that mostly surrounded my recent arrest in Norway, Maine. I did not falter or stammer for an excuse. I was surprised, however, that it actually showed up when they ran my name. I decided that I wouldn't have been here and speaking on the phone with a woman who was audibly entering my responses in her database, if they hadn't already known the circumstances of my arrest. I resolved to answer truthfully and straight to the point. My honesty evidently paid off because after a few moments I was handed my passport and allowed to go on my merry way into a country of ethereal light. The open road lay ahead. There was only about hundred miles between us and the city of saints. I could taste it. Magog. Orford. Bromont. They all passed quickly but not altogether insignificantly. We were on our way.
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| killer parties almost killed me |
[12 Sep 2006|08:28pm] |
Life in Portland;
My creative powers have been reduced to restless indolence. I cannot be idle, yet I cannot seem to do anything either. I have no imagination, no more feeling for nature, and living has become repugnant to me. When we are robbed of ourselves, we are robbed of everything. I am constantly thinking of a fable that I once heard many years ago, of a horse that impatient with its freedom, permitted itself to be saddled and ridden to death. I don't know what to do. The moral of story strikes at the core of being. And isn't it possible that my longing for a change in my circumstances is an innate impatience that will persue me whereever I go? I do not know. However I am experiencing a lot of self doubt and regret. It is as if the entire pulse of humanity could not be any further from me at this moment. I've been replaying Electric Light Orchestra's 'Fire on High', some how it reminds me of everything I am missing in life and stirs me to the conclusion that I will never be happy no matter how the stack is decked. This is becoming a real problem.
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| on employment |
[18 Jul 2006|05:38pm] |
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After a brief period of unemployment which last approximately one week, I have successfully navigated myself into a new position among the customer service department at Legacy Parenting Company. There have been a few things that have transpired since my visit. Ironically, I abandoned employment at Concurrence so that I could ensure tenure alongside the Affiliated Computer Services family, however, upon arriving for my shift I was informed that my labors would be no longer desired. So I was without means of livlihood for a few days due to this unexpected termination. But I did not let it deter my resolve to succeed and I managed to secure a far more dignified position. Although I must confess that I did serve loyally amongst the ranks of the profession and a certain part of me shall miss the daily grind that was to be known on a daily routine. In any event, I have just begun training at Legacy Parenting Group and it has been thus far an enjoyable experience and I look forward to investing an ample amount of time with the company until unforeseeable events should thrust me back into the whirlwind of uncertainty. In other news, I went to fudafest this weekend and had a somewhat pleasant time. On friday night Crystal and I traveled up toward the Norway area after she was released from work. We stayed until about three in the morning and headed back to Westbrook but not before being pulled over by officers of the police task whom claimed that they had reasonable cause to search the car including my persons because we had been seen leaving the general vicinity of fudafest and that I had been drinking. They failed to find any substances on us, most likely because I do not enjoy the mirth of illegal drugs. They did seem rather dissappointed that they wouldn't be able to throw any charges against us. However, the next day I traveled to fudafest again accompanied by my aquaintance Jenn. On this occassion I would not be so fortunate. The evening started out great, even better than the previous night. I had been steadily drinking, and let me remind the audience that this is permitable considering that I am of legal age and sound mind. However, after a consistent drinking binge I decided to take a stroll through the neighboring wood alongside my accomplices when out of nowhere a brigade of rowdy police officers apprehended us with an onslaught of flash lights and vulgarities. Before I had time to understand fully what was transpiring I was against a police cruiser and being searched and questioned. The crime was 'criminal trespassing' and we all recieved summons to appear in court. But infact, it was merely an attempt to target the patrons of fudafest and present them with a list of trumped-up charges. A few items at this point seem to become foggy by my memory until the point that I arrived at the county station and was being arrested. But to make a long story short, they were unable to find any illegal contraband on my person nor did I have an outstanding warrant for arrest or prior criminal history, so they reluctantly released me back into society after having paid a small price for my transgressions of forty dollars. It was surely a sad attempt to make a mountain out of a mole hill. There were no signs stated anything about it being private property, and nonetheless a warning would have been sufficient in dealing with the issue. I guess they felt they wanted to make an example out of someone. As with the night before, they seemed thoroughly downcast that I was not a bigger fish.
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| new beginnings |
[06 Jul 2006|12:40pm] |
I quit the job at concurrence. It is more accurate to say I just decided to stop coming in for my scheduled shift. This means that I will have far less of a monthly income to savor, but also it will provide me with some time to relax before starting new employment. I have already submitted my resume to a few companies and met with AAA earlier this evening. They have a small call center facility that needs some help in their loan and membership department. It is rather unfortunate that my time with concurrence was so brief, however it may be said that it was entirely not my desicision alone. Below I have attached a copy of the memo I recieved on Monday of this week.
TO: ALL
FROM: ROB (Owner)
SUBJECT: Meeting (Probably consisting of an hour worth of employee degradation)
There will be a mandatory meeting for all Concurrence employees this coming Sunday at 6pm. I have attempted to schedule this meeting for a time that would be the least intrusive and apologize to anyone who may have to alter their plans, but the meeting is neccessary and I'm giving you all plenty of notice. Please do not ask a manager if you have to go. Please do not attempt to explain why you can't. If you can't I understand and will assume that you quit. Those of you who do show up, Ill be bringing pizza and drinks.
END OF LETTER
I did try to explain why I couldn't and I was told to keep my mouth shut. This pretty much meant that I'd have to leave ACS early on Sunday and race up to Windham for this meeting. In any event if I was to do this I would be losing my job within the ACS company, a company who I have worked under for two years and whom I would like to use as a reference and possibly as a rehire either in Lewiston or abroad, considering they have locations all over the country. But honestly, it shouldnt have been a hard descision. I live in Portland, it would have made sense to side with Concurrence and have a steady paying job in the area. But I can't say that I forsaw a long relationship with the company regardless of these recent events. Let me now present a memo that we recieved a few weeks ago so that I may illustrate my point.
TO: ALL SALES REPS
FROM: ROB
SUBJECT: LOSERS
DATE: 6/13/2006
Becoming successful in any arena is not an easy thing. It requires some luck, and some aptitude. Above all else however, it requires busting your ass, and not just some of the time, all of the time. People who don't, sometimes end up mediocre, but more often than not they end up being losers. Ask yourself if your life is where you want it to be. I guarantee that most of you would say that it isn't. Maybe you never really thought much about it before, but guess what folks, many of you are total losers. That's cool. Seriously it's way easier to be a loser than it is to actually work hard and make a life for yourself. The beach is a lot more fun than the call center. Staying up and drinking all night is wicked cool too. You guys are probably familiar with the comic Jeff Foxworthy. He's the "you might be a redneck" guy. If he owned a call center and the majority of his employees were losers his bit might go something like this:
" If you whine about wanting to go home because you're having a bad day."
" If you show up late for work on a regular basis."
" If you can't even name the various bonus levels."
" If your boss offers to literally double that same bonus plan and you don't even work full time to try and reach it."
" You don't pitch ad ons on every order because you are scared to lose the sale."
" If you complain about being broke, but only average 25 hours a week."
Seriously, as a whole this sales floor is pathetic. There is nothing wrong with being a loser, but you won't do it at my call center. Look at the people at the top of the Concurrence food chain and ask yourself what they all have in common. Sure they make great money, drive nice cars, and don't live paycheck to paycheck, but why? The simple fact is that they are the hardest working people here. That's probably just a coincidence. Anyone who is willing to commit to not being a loser please do not log in. You are fired. Go collect unemployment with all the other losers. I'd rather have 10 reps that want to bust ass and make something of their life than 100 who are happy with just getting by.
END OF LETTER
I probably need not say that this memo of record is entirely unprofessional and makes a gross number of inaccurate allegations. Firstly, no one at concurrence drives nice cars and makes great money, except perhaps the owner. Secondly, it is difficult to put in a forty hour work week when the company does not provide you with any paid breaks so you must log off the phones completely, as well as not scheduling a lunch into the day meaning if you take a thirty minute lunch break you are automatically only working 7.5 hours a day. This is just one of the insanely unprofessional memos which we've recieved during my tenure with the company. It is obvious that they have little respect for their employees and the effort that they put in each and every week to get a product off the shelf that doesnt work and is sold at 150 percent higher than what it costs to make it. In closing I will post one final memo from the office of concurrence llc.
TO: ALL
FROM: ROB
I've been doing this for over seven years. There have been good times and bad. I have been happy and sad. Right now I am somewhere just past absolutely fucking livid. You guys are killing me, blowing calls skipping the ad-ons, and then not even having the respect for the company to transfer your non sales. Well guess what folks, I'm the company, and for the last week you guys have been giving me a big fuck you. Now I would like to return the favor, fuck you too.
Anyone not interested in working hard here, quit. Actually, tell you what, I'll give anyone who doesn't want to work hard and do the best that they can $100 to quit. That right, I will pay you to quit, pat you on the back, and wish you good luck in your next job in the fast food industry.
All I have heard all month is "can you check my hours?" Very few of you seem to care how much revenue and how many ad-ons you have. Well I'm done putting up with it. Should you believe you are one of the slugs who are unwilling to put in the effort come see me today.
By the way Steve was going to put on a pizza party and do a big contest for Latavi next week. I told him to forget it. No more contests, no more lunches, no more extra bonuses no more nothing from me until I start getting something from you.
I recognize that there are a few of you doing a good job and I'm sorry that you are getting lumped in with the rest, but rest assured I know who you are and I appreciate it. As far as the rest of you go, put out or get out.
END OF LETTER
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natureoftragedy's journal